Journal · Mind of Fay

~Realizations~


I have this awful tendency to put off things for a later time. Like I never jump into anything that picks my interest or I know will make me happy or grow me.

I hold them off mostly because am always waiting for conditions to improve or to be better. I play scenarios in my head where all factors considered are suitable. Everything is in place.  Perfect.

Light example, I can buy a pretty little dress or shoes and then I will hold off until I have some nice  place to go. So that dress will stay in the closet until silly me can deem it worthy to come out. So with time, I forget about the dress or shoes and eventually I loose interest and the chance passes. I will then go off and buy another pretty dress or pair of shoes. And the cycle continues. If you are wondering, yes. I do have plenty of nice dresses, some I have worn once in a year and some never at all.

Thinking maybe I should do a haul. But then again…

So, this seriously bad habit has trickled down to important areas in my life. Important stuff like a task or a skill I think I should try out. Even my relationships with people, intimate or otherwise. I end up stuck in the same place and never really go anywhere(metaphorically speaking). I remain in the same place as potential ideas die before they can even sprout into something great.

Mediocrity.  Is what this is… with a side of complacency.

So, that is  my realization. Am both mediocre and complacent. I have allowed myself to possess the two worst kind of vices.

Down the drain I have allowed potential poetry, articles, stories, skills in design and the arts, moments and relationships to go.

And it takes one moment. One single instant for that reality to hit you. Your​ eyes are opened. And the truth stares right into your face.

So, my blinders are off and I am now sitting in bitter truths.

I am however hoping that it’s not too late for me. Am only 23. Surely I can this around, right? I can still be fearless, tenacious, consistent and forthright.

Already this being honest with myself is taking root, right?

Love and Light♥️,

Fay💕

Journal · Poetry

Perks of Being Me

And like all lovers and sad people, I am a poet…

But above all am a person.

With feelings, hopes, dreams and fears.

 

I have my victories,

I have my failures,

There are days I wake up feeling great and phenomenal;

while on others I feel small and insignificant.

Such as today.


There are things I like,

As there are people I have loved,

And those that I’ve lost,

Then there are those who chose to walk away.


Pen and paper are my armor,

My hands are inked with the truths

Of my erratic mind.


I have accepted that no other person out there will understand

how deep some things run through me,

Or how miniscule I can feel.


My heart is heavy as rock,

My soul is as light as a feather.


You could seek me in the words I write;

But find me tucked beneath the hopes of the lyrics of the songs I listen to.


I never feel enough,

Am always seeking,

Yet never to be found.


There are dark groves within me

that stream coal;

There are light groves within me

that stream gold.


I am imperfect,

I am lost,

I am messy,

I am erratic,

I am composite,

I am I am I am 

Human.


I am not trivial,

I am not in vain,

I am not a doormat.

 

I am who I am for a lot of reasons,

And am okay with some of those reasons.


I get mad,

I get hurt,

But I just want to be Happy.

When I love…I do so deeply.

I am me…

xx.Fay♥️

Movie Quotes

Quote (9) Infinite 

It’s much easier to not know things sometimes. Things change and friends leave. And life doesn’t have to stop for anybody. I wanted to laugh and maybe get mad. Or maybe shrug at how strange everybody was, especially me. I think the idea is that every person has to live for his or her own life and then make the choice to share it with other people. You can’t just sit there and put everybody’s​ life ahead of yours and think that counts as love. You just can’t. You have to do things. I’m going to do what I want to do. I’m going to be who I really am. I’m going to figure out what that is. And we could all sit around and wonder and feel bad about each other and blame a lot of people for what they did and didn’t do or what they didn’t know. I don’t know. I guess there could always be someone to blame. It’s just different. Maybe it’s good to put things in perspective, but sometimes, I think that the only perspective is to really be there. Because it’s okay to feel things. I was really there. And that was enough to make me feel infinite. I feel infinite. We are infinite. 

Movie: Perks of Being a Wallflower

xx.Fay 💕

Life Lessons · Mind of Fay

🌼 Taking Stock 🌼

Second week of June and all I can think is; I have never taken stock🤔😆!!

First of all, I made a conscious decision to really work on this blog and have it bloom  into something wonderful; a safe hold for all you beautiful gems. I have had it for close to two years now but I have never really put much effort into it and that is what I want to challenge myself to do. I want to invest in something entirely and immerse myself wholeheartedly.

It’s personal I have to admit; because this is currently the only thing in my life that is tangible and with meaning. It’s the one personal thing I have left after losing so much over the last month or so. It’s also my escape from my erratic mind. This is my go to space when I have nowhere to go really:).

So, I was thinking that I should try out all the stuff that I’ve always found amusing but never tried out. My first muse as you would guess is…Taking Stock!! 

Here goes…

Making: Progress on my self-awareness​/ self-development, self-love. In short self growth.

Drinking: All the coffee.

Reading: Love and Gelato by J.E Welch

Wanting: Something profoundly special to happen to me.

Looking: To find an internship in the fields of Writing or Design.

Deciding: On how long I will stay if I ever go back home. I have this fear that I might never leave.

Wishing: I would get a place of my own.

Enjoying: The weird pace of my life right now. Being alone, seeking internship, writing, looking for new hobbies, killing old habits…(my plate feels full😅)

Waiting: To graduate and just see what happens. I’ve spent enough time dreading the whole thing and it might as well happen.

Liking: My blog. It’s my safe place.

Wondering: What my future will be like. Currently I feel very lost.

Loving: My Grandma. She is simply wonderful.

Pondering: How adults do the whole adult thing.

Listening: To the beat of my heart and to “Plans” by Oh Wonder.

Considering: Possible ways I could change my physical appearance (change hair color or get a tattoo?)

Buying: Something nice for every single person I care about.

Watching: The people around me and movies with deep content.

Learning: How to be fearless.

Hoping: I will remain consistent in all I choose to do.

Marveling: At how much this world has to offer. You just​ have to look deep enough.

Cringing: Fried eggs!

Needing: New and long lasting friendships.

Smelling: The earth after it rains. (I love it.)

Adoring: My lovely niece Christine Wambui.

She is as cute as a button♥️

Wearing: No make up and I stopped putting on earrings ( My ears can’t take it anymore!)

Following: Only people who grow and challenge me to be better if I do get back to social media.

Noticing: How alone doesn’t have to be lonely.

Knowing: That my life will be totally different come end of this year.

Thinking: Of the best gift for my mom.

Missing: My dad, mom and sissy.

Opening: Myself up to change.

Giggling: At Superhero memes on Pinterest.

Feeling: Entire spectrums of emotions, sometimes all of them at once.

Hearing: Background sounds on TV mostly but am too engrossed in my writing.

Celebrating: The fact that am lost, messy, imperfect and will never stop making mistakes but in the same way I  am growing and am striving to be good.

Disliking: How much I eat candy…a particular kind of candy. I can’t seem to quit 😖

Pretending: That am tall and that my alter ego is punk and has tattoos.

Embracing: The Art of Letting Go.

That was one honest and mind opening​ experience. Have a go at it yourself.

Love and light.

xx.Fay💕

Life Lessons · Mental health

~Best Possible Self❤️~

The thing about us humans is that we are composite and all that complexity has a knack for paying homage in our minds. Things just whirl and whirl at times without our knowledge.

Some thoughts make sense, others don’t and others create a train of even more thoughts. They can also vary from erratic, to mundane to phenomenal.

So as seasons change, so do our thoughts. One minute you are thinking about how much you love crusted pizza the next  you are agonizing over how you will finish that dammed assignment. You turn around for a minute and you find yourself thinking if you’ll ever get married let alone raise children when you can barely locate the other sock. Like I said, erratic.


What I however would like to be honest about is that I have bad thoughts. And I believe we all do​. Not sinister; they often vary along the lines of anxious, paranoid, intrusive, negative, hopeless and illogical. And such thoughts are heavy to bear as they pull at our heartstrings often resulting to feelings of sadness, despair  or hopelessness​.

In the long run if we do not learn how to address such thoughts we can develop mental health issues such as anxiety, depression etc. It is  tragic that most of us never know what to do or who to turn to, so we suffer in silence as our wounds grow deeper.

Here is the thing; we need to learn how to talk to ourselves​. When those bad thoughts intrude longer than necessary. We need not to entertain them but reach out. Talk to someone…send a text or simple call to a friend or anybody who you know cares enough to understand and help you out. If it gets really bad or If it’s already really bad seek medical help. When that thought shifts from not feeling good enough to wanting to end it all; reach out.

We all have bad thoughts and that is cause we are human and sometimes a bit too much. Issue lies in that you or someone you care about could be having a mental illness. So if you suspect or notice something that irks just a bit of your conscience concerning this, don’t brush it off. Reach out.

Let us be there for one another. Genuinely ask how somebody is holding up. Hold meaningful conversations and take honest interest in the people you care about. Be there in the good times, in the hard times and the ordinary times too. Life is a bumpy ride but if you have at least a single person holding your hand, it gets easier.

Learn to be honest, open and grateful. Practice self-love and be gentle on yourself. It gets easier, it gets better when you embrace the flaw full, messy, beautiful and diverse being that you are.

We only have this one life, let us make the best out of it. Let us yearn to be our best possible self.

_Fidelise N ♥️

xx.Fay💕

Journal

⏺️ The Art of You 🔼

You come first. Realize that. You are the one writing your story; the author. You dictate what happens. So the values that you hold, the principles that you abide to and characters that play a role in your life are all determined by you.

Take the time sit down with yourself; listen to your spirit, observe your behavior in certain instances and therefore know the things that affect you both in a positive and negative way.

The aspects that you will want to change; Change. The characters that are toxic eliminate them. It’s a process to learn and grow; not a one time thing. The important factor is to make sure that you are making progress and growing. Do not allow yourself to stagnate. You can get stuck while on your journey but do not stagnate.

When you have determined what and who matters to you, you will be able to focus and give time and energy to those things so that they can grow.


Sure, things will be hard and complicated from time to time but the same way they fall apart is the same way they will come together. Important thing is to make sure you are present in every moment and that you are doing your best to make it your best life.

Face the the highs and lows. Let every experience be a lesson; a stepping stone to the best version of you. It’s never too late to learn. Some lessons take time, don’t be so hard on yourself. Move on at your own pace, whether it’s at cheetah speed or tortoise speed it does not matter just as long as it’s Godspeed.

_Fidelise N

xx.Fay💕